I’m repeating a few posts for my own good. Even though, in every case, families have grown and aged, I hope you enjoy this interview.

FF: Describe your family.

EJ: the diaspora of the Johnsons.  We are spread out.  My oldest son (Josiah, 13) primarily lives with his mother now in the Western Suburban area.  My youngest two, (Alexandria, 5) and (Franklin, 2) from my marriage also primarily live with their mother.  I would have to say that we are a righteous family.  A family where all the members are interested in doing good for themselves, for one another and others.  And I mean everybody.

Josiah the oldest of my three children is great. I can go on and on about this guy.  I remember when I used to worry about him. And I mean really worry.  I would say to myself “Lord, why would you send me a child like this?”  With him it was problems in school.  Problems in church at Sunday school.  Problems in extracurricular sports. Almost every area, this guy was kicking up dust.  What amazes me to say is that he is a phenomenal son and has always been.  In all those challenging areas that I’ve mentioned, through it all, he has always been a good person.  Adults marvel at how mature he has always been.  He is interested in trying everything, every sport, and every instrument.  He is littered with ambition and insight.  Overall, he is careful.  I’m relieved because I understand him now.  He’s me.

Alexandria, the middle child is the one that really introduced me to fatherhood.  I remember so well, she started coming down the birth canal at 12:00 A.M. on the dot on her due date.  She is still the same way.  She means what she says, and will do what she says.  Miss consistent, honest, innovator, beautiful, family leader.  She has always been special to me because when I was younger I could always envision myself with a daughter.  Even at the age of five she is the ideal daughter.  I am blessed because I understand her  like I understand my son.

The newest guy, Franklin is of the same flavor as the other two.  He is independent and vocal about his independence.  It’s amazing because he looks like my oldest son’s identical twin at his age.  I realize with Franklin the style of parenting I have used with Josiah and Alexandria will not get through.  He has a completely different set of motivations.
FF: How has fatherhood changed you?

EJ: I was 21 when I became a father.  At that time, I wasn’t used to depending on people or using people for help.  I had always been helpful to others, but had managed my life up to that point trying not to need help from others.   At that time, considering my proud personality, I had to learn to depend on others.  I had to be the one asking for advice.  I had to be the one who needed resources.  I was the one who didn’t know what to do, or say.  I began to live a new life.  Or I added a new “wing” to my existing life structure.

Fatherhood has inspired new relationships with people, places and things I ordinarily wouldn’t have any relation.  For example, I’ve been a member of the Chicago’s kids museum.  I’ve been to the zoo agazillion times.  There is no way in the world I would know who Dora the Explorer is.

FF: Have you made any mistakes as a dad? If you’re not a liar, name one and talk about what it meant to you.

EJ: I will mention probably the most benign or, at least, something where I won’t implicate myself by mentioning.  Without dwelling on buying diapers at the last minute from Walgreens (too expensive), or bringing home the wrong formula (in trouble with the wife).  I would say one of the mistakes worth talking about that I constantly keep making is being impatient.  Sometimes I forget that my children are children.  That they need some room to make mistakes.  A strong feature in my character is the ability to improve things.  On the downside of that feature is fault-finding.  I am sometimes driven to crave perfection.

FF: What’s the most helpful advice you heard when you were becoming a father or as you’ve been a father?

EJ: While living in South Holland, I was to fortunate to have made the acquaintance of several middle-aged adult fathers.  Fathers with whom I share common frames of references.  I was having difficulty getting through to my son on a lot of concerns.  Being able to watch these older gentlemen talk to their children, interact with their children, etc. provided a good template for me.  More importantly, the best piece of advice that one of the father’s shared with me was “share stories about yourself when you were a child.”  This really worked!  Instead of telling my son what to do all the time, I would just share my stories that were similar to his experience.  I could tell this would really make him contemplate how  alike we are.  I could also see that he was generally more at ease knowing that he wasn’t alone.

FF: How do you attend to your relationship with your children’s mother? Has it changed over time. How so?

EJ:  Literally having to work/walk together with a person you don’t see everyday is a character challenge.  What tools I usually use are respect, understanding, and patience.  The ladies like respect and definitely being understood.  At first, it wasn’t always like this.  I remember wanting what I wanted when I wanted it.  That had to change.

FF: You move back and forth to see your children, to maintain relationships with them. What has that meant to you as a dad and how you’ve gone about planning and living your life?

EJ: It mostly sucks.  Honestly!  To be with them or to pick them up it’s a long drive.  A tenacious drive.  When things go awry, I have a long way to travel to get to them.  After the divorce, I was picking up everyone from their various locations and it three hours to pick up everyone.  This is the downside of it though.  On the upside, the drive gives me a lot of time to plan and think of new projects, etc.  And when everyone is in the car we have a lot time to spend in each others space without it being overbearing.

I know every other Friday and Sunday for the last past 13 years have been reserved for transporting children.  Now after the divorce, it is every other Friday & Sunday, along with every Monday and Wednesday that are set aside for transporting kids.

It means not only setting aside time to be with my children but also making time for traveling to get to them to be able to spend time with them.

FF: What surprises are there along the way for parents? What do you wish you were told to expect?

EJ:  I’m surprised at how serious of job this is.  How much thought needs to be put into each day, each word, each meal, each everything.  Fathering requires a lot of attention and planning.  Initially, I thought all I had to do was feed em, cloth em and tell em what to do.  In this age, love means so much more children.  The amount of sacrifices that need to be made to communicate love to my children is beyond what I ever would have imagined.

FF: What is one recent memory you made with your children?
 EJ:  Franklin, the youngest, has recently learned how to ride his bike.  That was really amazing.  He also enjoys it because he can’t stop riding the bike.  Even in the house.  He wakes up in the morning and that is his priority, to get on the bike and ride around the basement.

I’m repeating a few posts for my own good. Even though, in every case, families have grown and aged, I hope you enjoy this interview.

FF: Describe your family.

I’m repeating a few posts for my own good. Even though, in every case, families have grown and aged, I hope you enjoy this interview.

FF: Describe your family.

JS: I like to think of my family as ‘typical,’ though I’m sure most people think the same of theirs, no matter how that looks. My wife, Annie, an educator in Chicago Public Schools, originally hails from Western Kentucky. We’ve been married 4 1/2 years now, and we live in the Ukrainian Village neighborhood of Chicago. I am a white boy from the Chicago suburbs (though I try my best to dispel such notions) who transplanted to the city about 5 years ago. I work from home as a freelance market research analyst. Back in July, we welcomed our daughter Lisa into the world. She is now 7 months old, and ready to tackle anything—a trait we like to encourage in her. We also have two cats: Leroy (aka “Fats”) and Bianca. They have been surprisingly good with the transition from being the ‘kitty-babies’ to simply being pets who don’t get the attention they were accustomed to. They also have a healthy sense of anxiety around Lisa—she likes to grab and pull their fur, and they like to run away from her before she gets the chance.

As funny as it is for me to say it, we’re one of those ‘crunchy’ families. We (Annie, really) had an unmedicated home birth; we use cloth diapers; and we do a bunch of other ‘crunchy’ things. Annie is all about it because it’s healthier, better for the environment, etc. I’m mostly on board because it’s so much cheaper! Instead of buying 3500+ diapers for a kid through potty training, we have about 25 cloth diapers (and we can re-use them if/when we have more kids!). Instead of having to haul around formula, bottles, find a way to heat water, etc, Annie can just feed her at the “milk bar.” Plus, since we nurse, it means I don’t have to get up as much in the night!
FF: How has fatherhood changed you?

JS: I used to get very little sleep because I didn’t need it and wasn’t tired. Now, I need more sleep than I’m getting, and my waking time is not all by choice.  In a deeper sense, I worry more and hope more. I worry about the world in which my little girl is growing up. I wonder if our culture will twist her sense of beauty and self-worth, or even cause her to think that her value is only found in her appearance. I worry about whether gender stereotypes will limit her notions of what she can do–if she feels forced to wear pink and love princesses and unable to wear lab coats or be an astronaut. I worry about the gangs in our neighborhood and find myself paying attention to the tags, hoping that the most recent dis won’t be cause for shootings when the weather warms. I find myself encouraged by the neighborhood school (where I’m already involved as an LSC member), which is fantastic. I worry about the potential for flooding in the condo we’re about to buy, and trust that there isn’t harmful mold hiding under the carpets.

But I have hope too. I have hope that she will be a friend to others. I have hope that she will love the Lord. I have hope that somehow, my muddling fathering will help guide her into a full and vibrant person. I have hope that she will be an advocate for positive change in her world. I have hope that the best thing I can do–the strongest vote I can make and the loudest voice I can raise–is to trust that by bringing a life into the world, I am making the world better.
FF: What mistakes have you made as a dad? Name at least one and talk about what it meant to you.

JS: I think the greatest mistake I’ve made thus far is not investing enough time in my relationship with my wife over the past 7 months. We’ve both been busy with the routine of taking care of Lisa, preparing for the next day, working, and trying to find a moment of sleep to overcome exhaustion. We’ve not spent enough time on dates. We’ve not spent enough time just talking to each other. Because of this, our relationship has suffered–not in serious ways, but in subtle ones that lurk beneath the surface. I don’t ever want to get to a point, even years from now, where our lack of connection with each other causes us to have distance. And the better we are as husband and wife, the better we are/will be as parents.  We’re certainly nowhere close to this yet, but I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a home where good, healthy relationships aren’t being modeled for her. (Did I mention that I worry more these days?)
FF: What’s the most helpful advice you heard when you were becoming a father or advice you’ve gained since you’ve been a father?

JS: As soon as you find out you’re going to be a dad, start sleeping as much as you can. You’ll be glad for it later.

The best advice I’ve figured out since I’ve been a father is to get in your baby’s face. Let them feel your face and pull your hair and slobber on your nose. Blow raspberries on their belly and listen to them laugh. Sing to them. There is nothing more joyful and wonderful and awe-inspiring as seeing your child–this creature that was so utterly helpless and dependent–begin to respond to you and interact with you. Even before they have language, a kid will express so much emotion and share her love to you as a parent. Get close, and soak in as much of it as you can.
FF: How do you attend to your relationship with your wife outside of your being parents, and has parenting changed your marriage?

JS: Hah! I didn’t read ahead, and I feel like I already answered this one above. Parenting has definitely changed our marriage, simply by refocusing our attention on the little one rather than on ourselves. It’s so much *effort* to get away on our own, and so much of our lives are dictated by the baby’s schedule. Even when we do manage dates, there’s a sense of urgency to get back home to the baby, rather than linger and simply sit and enjoy each others’ company.

FF:  Talk about the role you want to play in teaching your daughter.  I imagine Annie will be a good educator to her, since she is an educator, but how have you taught her.  How do you hope to?

JS: I read to her. Probably not often enough, though she’s usually more interested in eating the pages than looking at the pictures. Her favorite books at the moment are “Moo, Baa, La La La,” “Oso Pardo, Oso Pardo, Que Ves Ahi?” and “Daddy and Me”. I love reading to her. Whenever I go on walks with her, I try to point out and talk about the things I see–dogs and trees and stores and cars and whatever else is around. She is wonderfully alert and just loves to take it all in.I must say, the notion of “teaching” Lisa seems a bit funny at this point. Most of her ‘learning’ is just a matter of her figuring out the world around her and how she can interact with it. My role in teaching her that sort of thing is more just a matter of exposing her to new situations, people, and things, and letting her figure it out. She has a wonderful ability to study objects in a measured way before picking them up or moving them or whatever she wants to do. She’s very thoughtful and deliberate; I don’t have to do much except get out of her way.

As she gets older, I hope to teach her in so many ways. I hope to teach her to be kind, loving, compassionate, encouraging, and friendly. I hope to help her gain a sense of God in her life. I hope to help her find the rhythms of family and spirituality by establishing traditions and sticking to them. When she gets to school age, I hope to help her with her homework and look for ways to challenge her and push her even more. I hope to expose her to a wide range of ideas and people and experiences and places. I hope to teach her to love the outcast, to be compassionate to the people around her to suffer. I could go on…
FF: What surprises are there along the way for parents? What do you wish you were told to expect?

JS: Well, there’s always the explosive poop while the diaper is off and baby is on the changing table. That’s always surprising.

I wish I had been told to expect that relationships would be so much harder to sustain after the baby comes. In the past 7 months of parenthood, I have not spent nearly enough time with my friends. Nor has Annie. As wonderful as it is to be a parent, there’s a sense of loss when it comes to the freedom I used to have to spend time with friends. If you can, really cultivate deep friendships with friends and get them used to coming to your home. It will be so much easier to maintain friendships if it’s already ‘normal’ for them to reach out to you and to come to you than it is to a) remember that you have friends you haven’t seen in a while, b) figure out when you can schedule to meet them, and c) actually muster the energy to pack up baby’s stuff, leave the house, and visit for a short while. If you think it’s hard to see your friends now, it’s 5 times harder once you’ve got a baby. Be intentional about your friends.FF: What is one recent memory you made with your child?JS: Every moment is a memory I’d love to hold on to. But one that feels especially cool at the moment is from last week. I had put Lisa in a sitting position in her crib for a moment while I went to prepare a diaper for her. A moment after I put her down, she grabbed the rail of the crib and pulled herself into a standing position–the first time she stood up completely on her own! I was simply shocked, but had the presence of mind to grab my mobile phone and shoot a video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoJUZyMbIls) when she did it a second time a few moments later. Such a great moment of pride for me (look how much she’s progressing!) and a cool ‘first’ for her!

I’m repeating a few posts for my own good. Even though, in every case, families have grown and aged, I hope you enjoy this interview.

FF: Describe your family.

TW:  I have a beautiful wife (Kristi) of almost 8 years. I have two wonderful children, Kayla and BJ. Kayla will be 4 and BJ is 2.

FF: How has fatherhood changed you?

TW: Fatherhood has given me a greater understanding of how God loves and disciplines His people. I love and care for my kids, even though they don’t always appreciate it. I still feed them and clean up their bodily waste, even when they protest cleaning up their toys. Fatherhood has given me a greater appreciation for and understanding of how my parents raised me.

FF: What mistakes have you made as a dad? Name at least one and talk about what it meant to you.

TW: Since my children are at home with mommy all day, they are always screaming for mommy. When I come home from work, I enjoy brief celebrity status, then all attention switches back to mommy. So, at times, it was easy to distance myself emotionally, given that they didn’t seem to need me for anything. They are young and that’s usually how it works, but I would sometimes allow the pain of that to become an excuse to just let Kristi bear the burden of meeting their needs, instead of taking initiative. This was a big mistake that I used to make. I have progressed beyond that, and even forced them to come talk to me about something. I’m pretty confident that many fathers deal with this same issue.

FF: What’s the most helpful advice you heard when you were becoming a father or advice you’ve gained since you’ve been a father?

TW: My dad always taught me how important it is for Kristi and I to be in agreement and to keep our love for each other strong. When children come into the picture, it’s easy to put all the focus on them and neglect each other.

FF: How do you attend to your relationship with your wife outside of your being parents, and has parenting changed your marriage?

TW: Kristi and I always try to maintain some sort of a date night, even if we are just at home. Now that we are living in the city, we have greater access to babysitters. This has allowed us to go out more frequently than ever. Of course, parenting has changed our marriage. It’s forced us to be more creative and intentional with our time together. It’s something that we always need to balance.

FF: What are some of the things you’ve struggled with as a father?  What are some of the things that have given you the most joy?

TW: As for struggles, I mentioned one earlier. That’s been the main one. It’s very discouraging when they choose to get attitudes and disobey. What gives me the most joy is to watch their personalities develop as they mimic what Kristi and I do and say. I love watching them as they play and converse with each other.

FF: Describe adding a second child to the household.  Does having two children feel differently than one?

TW: Adding a second child presented new excitement and new challenges. Having two feels very different because these are two little human beings with very different personalities, issues, joys, needs, etc. It’s definitely more work. They both require individual attention in different ways. Different things make them upset or frustrated. So as we teach them, they are also teaching us.

FF: What surprises are there along the way for parents? What do you wish you were told to expect?

TW: Children have extremely different personalities. It’s also interesting to see them do and say things that remind you of yourself, or other family members. I wish there was an entire book in the Bible or at least a few chapters that were completely dedicated to raising children and what to expect. When we experience the challenges of parenting, I jokingly say to Kristi, “The Bible doesn’t say anything about this.” I love the word of God, I just wish that God would have put a lot more content regarding the “spiritual gift of parenting.”

FF: What is one recent memory you made with your child?

TW: We are currently potty-training BJ. One moment, we are congratulating him on going pee pee in the toilet. The next moment, we are reminding him that we go pee pee in the toilet, just after he has an “uh oh” moment. Sometimes we’ll ask him if he needs to go pee pee, and he will say “no”. The next minute, what does he do? He pees in his underwear. It’s been a fun and challenging experience. We’ve only been at this for the past 2 weeks. I think he’s getting it, slowly but surely.