Month / March 2012

by Michael

10 Moments In Marriage’s History

I saw this BBC article, written primarily from an English perspective (maybe for the same audience) about ten critical moments in the history of marriage.  There are moments that aren’t addressed, but it’s an interesting summary for the most part.  I wonder what you might add.

1. Strategic alliances

For the Anglo-Saxons and Britain’s early tribal groups, marriage was all about relationships – just not in the modern sense. The Anglo-Saxons saw marriage as a strategic tool to establish diplomatic and trade ties, says Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage. “You established peaceful relationships, trading relationships, mutual obligations with others by marrying them,” Coontz says.

This all changed with the differentiation of wealth. Parents were no longer content to marry their children off to just “anyone in a neighbouring group”. They wanted to marry them to somebody as least as wealthy and powerful as themselves, Coontz says. “That’s the period when marriage shifts and becomes a centre for intrigue and betrayal.”

2. Consent

During the 11th Century, marriage was about securing an economic or political advantage. The wishes of the married couple – much less their consent – were of little importance. The bride, particularly, was assumed to bow to her father’s wishes and the marriage arrangements made on her behalf.

However, for the Benedictine monk Gratian the consent of the couple mattered more than their family’s approval. Gratian brought consent into the fold of formalised marriage in 1140 with his canon law textbook, Decretum Gratiani.

The Decretum required couples to give their verbal consent and consummate the marriage to forge a marital bond. No longer was a bride or groom’s presence at a ceremony enough to signify their assent.

The book formed the foundation for the Church’s marriage policies in the 12th Century and “set out the rules for marriage and sexuality in a changing social environment”, says historian Joanne Bailey of Oxford Brookes University.

3. The sacrament of marriage

As early as the 12th Century, Roman Catholic theologians and writers referred to marriage as a sacrament, a sacred ceremony tied to experiencing God’s presence. However, it wasn’t until the Council of Trent in 1563 that marriage was officially deemed one of the seven sacraments, says Elizabeth Davies, of the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of England and Wales.

Following the development of Protestant theology, which did not recognise marriage as a sacrament, the Council felt a need to “clarify” marriage’s place. “There was an underlying assumption that marriage was a sacrament, but it was clearly defined in 1563 because of the need to challenge teaching that suggested it wasn’t,” Davies says.

4. Wedding vows

Marriage vows, as couples recite them today, date back to Thomas Cranmer, the architect of English Protestantism. Cranmer laid out the purpose for marriage and scripted modern wedding vows nearly 500 years ago in his Book of Common Prayer, says the Reverend Duncan Dormor of St John’s College at the University of Cambridge.

Although the book was revised in 1552 and 1662, “the guts of the marriage service are there in 1549,” he says. “All the things that you think of, ‘to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer’, all of that stuff comes from that point.” The marriage service has had “remarkable continuity” compared with most other services, he says.

But much of it was “pilfered from Catholic medieval rites”, such as the Sarum marriage liturgy, which was all in Latin except the actual vows. “What makes the 1549 service significant is that it is the introduction of a Protestant service in English, and it’s basically the words that we all know with a couple of small tweaks,” Dormor says.

5. Divorce

Before 1858, divorce was rare. In 1670, Parliament passed an act allowing John Manners, Lord Roos, to divorce his wife, Lady Anne Pierpon. This created a precedent for parliamentary divorces on the grounds of the wife’s adultery, according to the National Archives.

This marked “the start of modern ‘divorce’,” says Rebecca Probert of the University of Warwick School of Law.

It also set the precedent for more than 300 cases between the late 17th and mid-19th Centuries – each requiring an act of Parliament. It was only in 1858 that divorce could be carried out via legal process. Even then divorce was too expensive for most people, and there was the added challenge for wives of proving “aggravated” adultery – that their husbands had been guilty of cruelty, desertion, bigamy, incest, sodomy or bestiality, Probert says.

The gates for divorce opened with the Divorce Reform Act of 1969. Instead of pointing the finger, couples could cite marital breakdown as the reason for the split.

“Prior to 1969, the script was that marriage was for life” says Bren Neale, a University of Leeds sociologist. “The divorce law meant that people trapped in bad marriages need not stay in them forever.” The emphasis on marriage shifted from a long-term commitment at all costs to a personal relationship where individual fulfilment is important, she says.

Click here to finish reading the article.

by Michael

For Future Generations

Have you seen this letter?  It’s rich with words that, I imagine, you will agree and disagree with given our increasingly divisive political discourse around marriage.  It is, in part, a completely pastoral letter, written by Catholic bishops for their flock in England and Wales, where pastoral has to do with the recognized church leadership giving sound, biblical, and/or theological guidance to those members in their care, particularly, and in this case, when it comes to the issue of marriage in the UK.

These letters are worn and read into the fabric of Christians, and people familiar with Christianity, no matter whether Catholic, Orthodox, or Protestant.  A portion of the Christian Scriptures are essentially pastoral letters which address timely concerns.  Of course, the “damaging pages” of our Scriptures make a broader impact since they are canonized within the Bible.

Take a look at the letter.  It’s a touch longer than you may be accustomed.  I found it originally here.

Do you learn anything from it?  Does it widen or shrink your own views about marriage?  Does it help you see what this church in the UK is passing on to future generations?

This week the Coalition Government is expected to present its consultation paper on the proposed change in the legal definition of marriage so as to open the institution of marriage to same-sex partnerships.

Today we want to put before you the Catholic vision of marriage and the light it casts on the importance of marriage for our society.

The roots of the institution of marriage lie in our nature. Male and female we have been created, and written into our nature is this pattern of complementarity and fertility. This pattern is, of course, affirmed by many other religious traditions. Christian teaching fills out this pattern and reveals its deepest meaning, but neither the Church nor the State has the power to change this fundamental understanding of marriage itself. Nor is this simply a matter of public opinion.

Understood as a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman, and for the creation and upbringing of children, marriage is an expression of our fundamental humanity. Its status in law is the prudent fruit of experience, for the good of the spouses and the good of the family. In this way society esteems the married couple as the source and guardians of the next generation. As an institution marriage is at the foundation of our society.

There are many reasons why people get married. For most couples, there is an instinctive understanding that the stability of a marriage provides the best context for the flourishing of their relationship and for bringing up their children. Society recognises marriage as an important institution for these same reasons: to enhance stability in society and to respect and support parents in the crucial task of having children and bringing them up as well as possible.

The Church starts from this appreciation that marriage is a natural institution, and indeed the Church recognises civil marriage. The Catholic understanding of marriage, however, raises this to a new level. As the Catechism says: ‘The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, by its nature is ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptised persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.’ (para.1601)

These rather abstract words are reflected however imperfectly in the experience of married couples. We know that at the heart of a good marriage is a relationship of astonishing power and richness, for the couple, their children, their wider circle of friends and relations and society. As a Sacrament, this is a place where divine grace flows. Indeed, marriage is a sharing in the mystery of God’s own life: the unending and perfect flow of love between Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

We know, too, that just as God’s love is creative, so too the love of husband and wife is creative of new life. It is open, in its essence, to welcoming new life, ready to love and nurture that life to its fullness, not only here on earth but also into eternity.

This is a high and noble vision, for marriage is a high and noble vocation. It is not easily followed. But we are sure that Christ is at the heart of marriage, for his presence is a sure gift of the God who is Love, who wants nothing more than for the love of husband and wife to find its fulfilment. So the daily effort that marriage requires, the many ways in which family living breaks and reshapes us, is a sharing in the mission of Christ, that of making visible in the world the creative and forgiving love of God.

In these ways we understand marriage to be a call to holiness for a husband and wife, with children recognised and loved as the gift of God, with fidelity and permanence as the boundaries which create its sacred space. Marriage is also a crucial witness in our society, contributing to its stability, its capacity for compassion and forgiveness and its future, in a way that no other institution can.

In putting before you these thoughts about why marriage is so important, we also want to recognise the experience of those who have suffered the pain of bereavement or relationship breakdown and their contribution to the Church and society. Many provide a remarkable example of courage and fidelity. Many strive to make the best out of difficult and complex situations. We hope that they are always welcomed and helped to feel valued members of our parish communities.

The reasons given by our government for wanting to change the definition of marriage are those of equality and discrimination. But our present law does not discriminate unjustly when it requires both a man and a woman for marriage. It simply recognises and protects the distinctive nature of marriage.

Changing the legal definition of marriage would be a profoundly radical step. Its consequences should be taken seriously now. The law helps to shape and form social and cultural values. A change in the law would gradually and inevitably transform society’s understanding of the purpose of marriage. It would reduce it just to the commitment of the two people involved. There would be no recognition of the complementarity of male and female or that marriage is intended for the procreation and education of children.

We have a duty to married people today, and to those who come after us, to do all we can to ensure that the true meaning of marriage is not lost for future generations.

With every blessing

Most Reverend V. Nichols, Most Reverend P. Smith

by Michael

Doctor’s Appointments & Other Milestones

His doctor stood his unclothed self on the scale.  She took his weight the way my doctor took mine.  She pulled the long “big boy” ruler out and told us how tall he was.  They were at the table.  He sat there, watching that light, tracking his doctor’s movement.  Her voice was soft and light, filled with some playful tone all the kids must love.  He took her in through the entire exam.  I told Dr. Jenny that he was trying to convince her not to make him take any vaccines.  He was smiling, occasionally singing, even though he wouldn’t sing his doctors doctors song.

She bent down and talked to him.  She asked him questions, in between talking to me and Dawn about his last few weeks and how he hadn’t really slept well in the last week.  She gave him that wood thing they stick on your tongue that always makes me think of manicures.  Bryce took it and smiled.  She asked his permission to look for monkeys in his ears.  He said yes, and I was silently surprised because he really hates for us to look in his ears.  He must have known she was only looking and not cleaning.  He must have believed allowing the doctor to do these things would prevent an upcoming needle meeting.

He would need two needle sticks, she told us.  I think me and Dawn looked at one another; we took deep breaths.  She goodbyed to our boy because the doctor didn’t have the hardest job.  The nurse did.

She entered with the tray.  The tray was what Bryce saw first.  He learned what the tray was early on, well before his memory structures formed.  He doesn’t remember everything yet, but he remembers the tray.  He kept silent when the nurse spoke to him.  She asked him if he was ready.  He didn’t answer.  She told Dawn to sit on the exam table and hold him.  Bryce was still cool.  He stared at the nurse, followed her movements, listened as she told him exactly what was about to happen.

Every other shot came back before me during moments like this.  The same nurse from last night was the first person responsible for making my boy scream during those first months.  There was a woman in dark navy scrubs and gym shoes.  Another wore a blue coat.  I remembered all of their gloves, flapping at their wrists right before they held that blasted point.  Bryce didn’t know what that point meant, but I did.  I’d flash back without fail to that time in Dr. Parsons’ office, as a boy, when I yelled for my mama to save me and he told her to “tell him okay, tell him okay.”

Bryce has lungs like mine.  I heard the clink of the implements on the shiny tray.  I thought about those early days when he was so small, when he didn’t react until a second and a half later because his head and neck muscles weren’t listening to him quite then.  They weren’t following sharp points.  Life was so much more innocent.

I readied myself.  Dawn held him lovingly, her arm bracing his other one so he wouldn’t snap.  The nurse cleaned the area of impact as Bryce volunteered his hand.  She explained it to my son.  He heard her, probably nodded as if to say he understood.  She cotton ball dried the finger.  I sat there and tried to close my ears.

He gave no sound when the finger prick ended.  The nurse talked to him about his fingers.  She placed the long thin tube at his small spot of blood to collect the redness.  She told him and us that sometimes it took effort to get blood from babies.  When she prepped the next spot, there was more worry.  Surely two pricks in one sitting invited disastrous wailing.  There was a baby in another room, down the hall, still yelling from when we first arrived.

Bryce took the needle into his arm without a sound.  His eyes bulged, his head steadied, but he didn’t flinch as the kind woman ushered that familiar stick into his forearm.  Imagine our collective shock when he sat and took the next needle with as much quiet as the first.

After she pulled the needle, he turned to look at me.  The clouds of disappointment, the tenderness of his skin, came up to his brain.  His brows furrowed, and I touched his arm and rubbed it and told him he was great and strong and brave.  He didn’t go into that common place of frightful yelling.  Dawn was yaying and congratulating him the way she does when he says that he’s gone to the potty.  Even though he says it sometimes when he hasn’t actually gone.  The nurse voiced her pleasant surprise.  Those words—all of our words—distracted him.  I thought about it later and asked myself what I would’ve said if he did, in fact, cry.  Would I have called him strong?  Would I have said he was still great?  Would I have held him like his mother was holding him and said nothing at all, choosing instead to comfort him wordlessly?

The nurse missed no beats.  She flipped through her pockets.  Her hand was filled with little paper pieces.  I looked up at my boy’s eyes as she went from one sticker to another.  She asked him which one he wanted.  She gave him two stickers, and when he saw Elmo, he brightened and sang Elmo’s name the way a friend would when seeing another friend walking toward them.  And all of us lifted and sighed with joy because Bryce liked Elmo so much that the momentary pain of getting tested for lead and stuck for TB was so far away from the red friendly face smiling at our growing child.

by Michael

Five Female Writers in Chicago Literary History

Thanks to David Swanson for pointing me to this fine article at chicagoist.com in celebration of a few female writers who have contributed to Chicago and world literary history:

March is Women’s History Month; for 31 days we celebrate the women who have made our employment, the oration of our opinions, and our lifestyles possible.

When it comes to contemporary authors, there’s plenty of strong female voices in Chicago. This wasn’t always the case. Women have had to fight for their spot in society at the very least, and still are still presented with threats against their equal rights in today’s political mess. The Christine Sneeds and Audrey Niffeneggers of Chicago can thank plenty of individuals for their publications, but here are a list of five Chicago ladies who paved the way for their success.

Harriet Monroe (1860-1936)

Poets of Chicago and the world in general can thank Miss Harriet Monroe for the work championing the genre. Monroe was the founder and editor of Poetry: A Magazine of Verse. After gaining some popularity as poet and freelancer for The Tribune, she became increasingly agitated over the lack of recognition—and funding—for poets. And so, in 1912, Monroe reached out to 100 head honchos in Chicago to pay for a subscription to her new poetry magazine. With this money, Poetry was launched. Its success wascolossal in the genre: poets such as Ezra Pound, T.S. Elliot, and Carl Sandburg were all edited at one time or another by Monroe, and it was her support that ensured the longevity of their reputations.

Ida B. Wells (1862-1931)

Ida Wells is Chicago’s First Lady of Civil Rights, and a pivotal player in the the Women’s Suffrage Movement, Wells’ influence was cast through the power of journalism. She dove straight into investigation and exploitation of lynching in the U.S. with her pamphlets: Southern Horrors: Lynch Law in All Its Phases and A Red Record. In 1893 she and Frederick Douglass, among several others, organized a boycott against the World’s Columbian Exposition, arguing that the Exposition did not work with the black community to fairly display African American life. They distributed their pamphlet, Reasons Why the Colored American Is Not Like the Columbian Exposition, in protest. The list of Wells’ articles and documentation is endless, but the influence remains: she asserted herself within Chicago’s windy politics, and made it an easier place for the rest of us women to do so.

To finish reading, click here.

by Michael

Two Years Ago Around This Time

Dawn was finishing her work to the left of us.  I was behind the camera, watching my newest gift, the one who would call me daddy, looking at him with all that medicine seeping from his eyes, counting the scratches which proved the labor he and his mother just completed.  I stood there, listening to Dawn whimper and Nina Simone croon in the background.  I stood there hearing my son’s breathy gurgles and grunts.

So many things were different two years ago today.  A few things are worse; a lot is immeasurably better.  Happy birthday to the boy who still has little clue how much he’s done and brought and, of course, taken away.

by Michael

Fathers Know Best #6

FF: Describe your family.

JS: I like to think of my family as ‘typical,’ though I’m sure most people think the same of theirs, no matter how that looks. My wife, Annie, an educator in Chicago Public Schools, originally hails from Western Kentucky. We’ve been married 4 1/2 years now, and we live in the Ukrainian Village neighborhood of Chicago. I am a white boy from the Chicago suburbs (though I try my best to dispel such notions) who transplanted to the city about 5 years ago. I work from home as a freelance market research analyst. Back in July, we welcomed our daughter Lisa into the world. She is now 7 months old, and ready to tackle anything—a trait we like to encourage in her. We also have two cats: Leroy (aka “Fats”) and Bianca. They have been surprisingly good with the transition from being the ‘kitty-babies’ to simply being pets who don’t get the attention they were accustomed to. They also have a healthy sense of anxiety around Lisa—she likes to grab and pull their fur, and they like to run away from her before she gets the chance.

As funny as it is for me to say it, we’re one of those ‘crunchy’ families. We (Annie, really) had an unmedicated home birth; we use cloth diapers; and we do a bunch of other ‘crunchy’ things. Annie is all about it because it’s healthier, better for the environment, etc. I’m mostly on board because it’s so much cheaper! Instead of buying 3500+ diapers for a kid through potty training, we have about 25 cloth diapers (and we can re-use them if/when we have more kids!). Instead of having to haul around formula, bottles, find a way to heat water, etc, Annie can just feed her at the “milk bar.” Plus, since we nurse, it means I don’t have to get up as much in the night!

 
FF: How has fatherhood changed you?

JS: I used to get very little sleep because I didn’t need it and wasn’t tired. Now, I need more sleep than I’m getting, and my waking time is not all by choice.  In a deeper sense, I worry more and hope more. I worry about the world in which my little girl is growing up. I wonder if our culture will twist her sense of beauty and self-worth, or even cause her to think that her value is only found in her appearance. I worry about whether gender stereotypes will limit her notions of what she can do–if she feels forced to wear pink and love princesses and unable to wear lab coats or be an astronaut. I worry about the gangs in our neighborhood and find myself paying attention to the tags, hoping that the most recent dis won’t be cause for shootings when the weather warms. I find myself encouraged by the neighborhood school (where I’m already involved as an LSC member), which is fantastic. I worry about the potential for flooding in the condo we’re about to buy, and trust that there isn’t harmful mold hiding under the carpets.

But I have hope too. I have hope that she will be a friend to others. I have hope that she will love the Lord. I have hope that somehow, my muddling fathering will help guide her into a full and vibrant person. I have hope that she will be an advocate for positive change in her world. I have hope that the best thing I can do–the strongest vote I can make and the loudest voice I can raise–is to trust that by bringing a life into the world, I am making the world better.

 
FF: What mistakes have you made as a dad? Name at least one and talk about what it meant to you.

JS: I think the greatest mistake I’ve made thus far is not investing enough time in my relationship with my wife over the past 7 months. We’ve both been busy with the routine of taking care of Lisa, preparing for the next day, working, and trying to find a moment of sleep to overcome exhaustion. We’ve not spent enough time on dates. We’ve not spent enough time just talking to each other. Because of this, our relationship has suffered–not in serious ways, but in subtle ones that lurk beneath the surface. I don’t ever want to get to a point, even years from now, where our lack of connection with each other causes us to have distance. And the better we are as husband and wife, the better we are/will be as parents.  We’re certainly nowhere close to this yet, but I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a home where good, healthy relationships aren’t being modeled for her. (Did I mention that I worry more these days?)

 
FF: What’s the most helpful advice you heard when you were becoming a father or advice you’ve gained since you’ve been a father?

JS: As soon as you find out you’re going to be a dad, start sleeping as much as you can. You’ll be glad for it later.

The best advice I’ve figured out since I’ve been a father is to get in your baby’s face. Let them feel your face and pull your hair and slobber on your nose. Blow raspberries on their belly and listen to them laugh. Sing to them. There is nothing more joyful and wonderful and awe-inspiring as seeing your child–this creature that was so utterly helpless and dependent–begin to respond to you and interact with you. Even before they have language, a kid will express so much emotion and share her love to you as a parent. Get close, and soak in as much of it as you can.

 
FF: How do you attend to your relationship with your wife outside of your being parents, and has parenting changed your marriage?

JS: Hah! I didn’t read ahead, and I feel like I already answered this one above. Parenting has definitely changed our marriage, simply by refocusing our attention on the little one rather than on ourselves. It’s so much *effort* to get away on our own, and so much of our lives are dictated by the baby’s schedule. Even when we do manage dates, there’s a sense of urgency to get back home to the baby, rather than linger and simply sit and enjoy each others’ company.

 

FF:  Talk about the role you want to play in teaching your daughter.  I imagine Annie will be a good educator to her, since she is an educator, but how have you taught her.  How do you hope to?

JS: I read to her. Probably not often enough, though she’s usually more interested in eating the pages than looking at the pictures. Her favorite books at the moment are “Moo, Baa, La La La,” “Oso Pardo, Oso Pardo, Que Ves Ahi?” and “Daddy and Me”. I love reading to her. Whenever I go on walks with her, I try to point out and talk about the things I see–dogs and trees and stores and cars and whatever else is around. She is wonderfully alert and just loves to take it all in.I must say, the notion of “teaching” Lisa seems a bit funny at this point. Most of her ‘learning’ is just a matter of her figuring out the world around her and how she can interact with it. My role in teaching her that sort of thing is more just a matter of exposing her to new situations, people, and things, and letting her figure it out. She has a wonderful ability to study objects in a measured way before picking them up or moving them or whatever she wants to do. She’s very thoughtful and deliberate; I don’t have to do much except get out of her way.

As she gets older, I hope to teach her in so many ways. I hope to teach her to be kind, loving, compassionate, encouraging, and friendly. I hope to help her gain a sense of God in her life. I hope to help her find the rhythms of family and spirituality by establishing traditions and sticking to them. When she gets to school age, I hope to help her with her homework and look for ways to challenge her and push her even more. I hope to expose her to a wide range of ideas and people and experiences and places. I hope to teach her to love the outcast, to be compassionate to the people around her to suffer. I could go on…

 
FF: What surprises are there along the way for parents? What do you wish you were told to expect?

JS: Well, there’s always the explosive poop while the diaper is off and baby is on the changing table. That’s always surprising.

I wish I had been told to expect that relationships would be so much harder to sustain after the baby comes. In the past 7 months of parenthood, I have not spent nearly enough time with my friends. Nor has Annie. As wonderful as it is to be a parent, there’s a sense of loss when it comes to the freedom I used to have to spend time with friends. If you can, really cultivate deep friendships with friends and get them used to coming to your home. It will be so much easier to maintain friendships if it’s already ‘normal’ for them to reach out to you and to come to you than it is to a) remember that you have friends you haven’t seen in a while, b) figure out when you can schedule to meet them, and c) actually muster the energy to pack up baby’s stuff, leave the house, and visit for a short while. If you think it’s hard to see your friends now, it’s 5 times harder once you’ve got a baby. Be intentional about your friends.FF: What is one recent memory you made with your child?JS: Every moment is a memory I’d love to hold on to. But one that feels especially cool at the moment is from last week. I had put Lisa in a sitting position in her crib for a moment while I went to prepare a diaper for her. A moment after I put her down, she grabbed the rail of the crib and pulled herself into a standing position–the first time she stood up completely on her own! I was simply shocked, but had the presence of mind to grab my mobile phone and shoot a video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoJUZyMbIls) when she did it a second time a few moments later. Such a great moment of pride for me (look how much she’s progressing!) and a cool ‘first’ for her!

 

by Michael

Before They Leave Us

We should start eulogizing those who mean the most to us before they leave us.

Michael Smith said this over here at Michael Hyatt’s blog.  It holds loads of material, this quote, for how we live, doesn’t it?

As a pastor, I’ve conducted a lot of funerals, not as many of some of my friends, but enough.  And every funeral has the same quality.  At some point during or after the service, perhaps leading up to the memorial when loved ones are most open and fragile and honest, I’ll hear somebody tell the family or the crowd something along the lines of “Let’s not let this be the only time we come together.”  Or “We should talk more.”  Or “I didn’t know that about him, what you said.”  Or “I wish I could have said this one thing to…”

It dawns on me every time I participate in the ritual of death–be it at a funeral or, oddly, when I wrestle to fall asleep at night–that at death, for some amount of time at least, words are silenced.  Gratitude as we understand it can no longer be expressed.  Praise is said but goes unheard by the one about whom we speak.

Have you ever thought about the fragility of the moment that is death?  Writers may live close to that fragility, artists and pastors too.  But there is a healthy reminder in fragility or in, simply, change.  Seeing a loved one, once strong, lean under the slow and heavy hand of age.  Cleaning up a relative’s work space, boxing up his things, after he’s left it there.  Fainting when nothing like fainting was expected because who faints for anything other than some bad reason.  Listening to your kid babble in now semi-understandable words when, just moments ago, he couldn’t even roll over in a crib.  Turning away from a person who has just said goodbye.

I think a sensitivity to endings changes how you look at life.  Endings, like death, change how we live life because, well, we just won’t live forever.  Sometimes that alone is a reason to linger.  In a conversation, over somebody’s house, perhaps even in the congestion of rush hour trying to make it home.  Sometimes that is a reason to say something that a person can hear, write something they can read, draw a picture they can stick on a wall, or snatch his or her attention in some way before they leave us.

by Michael

Penguin, Mullet, Bread

Last night at the closing of the AWP, I listened to Nikky Finney read several of her poems, a few from her National Book Award winning collection, Head Off & Split.  It was my first time hearing her in person and while I listened to her, I wanted to keep leaning in and listening.

When Professor Finney signed my copy of her collection, she asked if I was a writer, if I lived in Chicago.  I told her yes to both, and saying yes, in the company of a woman, writer, communicator, and advocate so powerful was its own affirmation.  If you don’t know her work, it can offer you life and renewal and fullness.  Really, I wouldn’t suggest that you linger over her careful words unless they’d be worth it.

by Michael

10 Steps To Better Emails

This list is from Literary Agent, Rachelle Gardner.  I have used several of these regularly in the past, but I can probably add a few into my practice.  What about you?

10 Steps to Writing Better Emails

1. Keep it brief.

Many people recommend the three-sentence rule: If you can say what you need to in 3 sentences or less, do it! If not, keep it as close to 3 sentences as possible. If you have something in-depth that will take several paragraphs, consider talking to the person instead. You know, talking. Like they used to do in the old days.

2. Pause before hitting Send.

Is it completely necessary? Does it have to go NOW? If it can possibly wait, then use the DRAFT function of your email program to save it. Once a week, pull up all your drafts and only send the ones that are still necessary. This is especially handy if you tend to send several emails a week to one person. Can they be consolidated?

3. Get to the point.

Make it easy for the recipient to get the gist of your message right away. Don’t ramble.

4. Make questions and action points stand out.

DON’T bury your questions throughout the email in the middle of paragraphs! If there is action needed, or a question that needs an answer, make it VERY obvious. For example, you might want to number them and put them at the end of your email.

5. Use NNTR

I’ve started putting “NNTR” at the end of the subject line. It means No Need To Reply. This can save people lots of time and eliminate needless back-and-forth.

6. Use EOM

Another one of my favorites – I put “EOM” at the end of the subject line to indicate “End of Message.” That is, the entire message is in the subject line. So in responding to an email requesting a phone call, my subject line might say, “I’ll call you Tues 3/6 at 4pm eastern — EOM.” And the recipient doesn’t even need to open the email, they’ve got all the info they need.

7. Use a relevant subject line

Try NOT to use a generic subject line, such as “Thought you might want to know…” The subject line is for… wait for it… the actual subject of your email.

8. Change the subject line when necessary

If you’re emailing back and forth with someone, and the topic changes mid-conversation, change the subject line! This goes extra for those of you who never actually start a new email stream, but whenever you want to email someone, you simply grab the last email from them and hit “Reply.” Change the subject line, please.

9. DON’T use “Quick Question”  

Avoid that oldie-but-goodie in the subject line unless you want your recipient to shoot themselves. First, a quick question is never quick. Second, it’s generic and tells nothing. It’s much better for your subject line to say, “Question about why my agent never returns my emails.” At least that’s specific. And memorable.

10. Remember that every time you send an email, somewhere a fairy dies.

Well, maybe not. But it should at least make us think twice about it!

→ Bonus: What about saying “thank you”?

To read Rachelle’s entire post, click here.