I’m revisiting earlier lessons from my blog, and here’s a meditative list I could still say, with near accuracy, five years later in asking for my son’s forgiveness. I’m very grateful he’s putting on his own seat belt though:

1. Not understanding those things I think only you, your angels, and God can understand
2. Keeping you strapped into your car seat when all those tears fell, asking to be freed
3. Making you eat more than sweet potatoes and beans
4. Being less than patient and for moving too quickly more times than I’ve slowed down
5. Letting your mother make you wear shoes that were too small
6. Raising my voice and thinking that it would help you understand an instruction
7. Not forgiving the way you do, quickly and effortlessly
8. Leaving you in the room with all those relatives you didn’t know in Alabama that day
9. All those pictures we took
10. Having strong opinions…about everything
11. Not finding more ways to put you into the hands of people who love you well and consistently
12. The mistakes you’ll notice that I won’t
13. Being angry with you when you were really really little because you cried more than I knew to expect when we brought you home
14. The times I said you were a “miracle from the Lord” because it was true but didn’t really treat you that way
15. Failing to love your mother as much as possible to the best of my ability
16. My dullness when I was tired and too exhausted to enjoy your excitement about some random thing
17. Overlooking all those moments when you were trying to get me to see something I was too busy to notice
18. Not listening
19. Teaching you things by my example and my words which were wrong
20. For keeping this list so short.

Since I’m reprising earlier lessons, here’s something I read five years ago at church. It’s for men in general and fathers in particular.

What We Need From You

We need you to pay attention to God and to you and to others—though not necessarily in that order.  We need you to wake up in the morning and to spend your days doing what will contribute to your block, community, neighborhood, and world.  We need you not to be convinced by advertisements and commercials and publicity which say that you must have something or someone else other than what God has placed in front of you today.  We need you to communicate your fears and the things that keep you awake.  We need you to take your work seriously, to take your city seriously, to take your own health seriously.  We need you to cultivate an ear, not just for God and for others, but for yourself because the ability to hear others is tied and twisted with the ability to listen well to ourselves.

We need you to stop making excuses and to give yourself to God.  We need you to realize that God gives grace to the humble and that humility is simply seeing you for who you really are and the Divine for who God really is.

We need your life to matter for something other than how much you make, how many women you’ve loved, and how many babies you’ve had.  We need you to look again at numbers altogether and to turn upside-down the notions you’ve attached to them.  We need you to build wealth but in more areas than you first thought or have often been told.  We need you to give yourself to some hobby, some way of playing, some way of re-creating so that you can stay sane.  We need you to build and to create and to draw and to envision and to breathe deeply when you see something fantastic and unmistakably amazing.  We need to draw away even when you want to keep talking.  We need to pull a part so that you can be counseled by other voices.  We need to find times of silence daily and to lock yourself into the rhythm of Sabbath, keeping the command made for you.

We need you to love our children, particularly when they aren’t your own, because nobody else may love them.  We need you to, a year from reading this list, know at least one child’s name, one child’s family, one child’s story, and one child’s pain.  We need you to cultivate a relationship with a person who will live longer than you.  So that you can hear their fears and concerns and spend all the days you have left addressing them by God’s grace.  We need you to find a family whether or not they look like you and to give yourselves to them in big and small ways.  To make sure that the parents feel supported even if you know nothing about parenting.  To make the children feel encouraged even though children may scare you.  To make sure that some figure in that family unit is a reminder that there is great love and possibility and integrity present.

We need you to commit to our sisters, to our women, and to treat them as precious, powerful gifts whose purpose is to please God.  We need you to respect them and to cherish them, especially when they aren’t your wives because they don’t get enough respect.  We need you to listen to them and to befriend them for no other reason than that.  We need you to hear their pains without another motive.  We need you to take their burdens upon your shoulders and to carry their problems with them so that they can feel a community around them consisting of more than other women.  We need you to pray for our sisters more than you pray for yourselves.  We need you to question the men claiming to love them and to make sure that their relationships aren’t destructive but life-giving.  We need you to be faithful to your wives if you’re married, holding them up as significant gifts.  We need you to remind them of your love for them and tell them through word and deed what they mean to you.

We need many things from you, more than what I’ve named.

So will you, by God’s help, be greater than your station in life, than your present situation, or than your status at this point?  You are more than a box that you’ve checked, more than an unemployed or very employed person.  You are more than some unknown because we know you.  We know you to be a beautiful man.  We know you to be a strong man.  We know you to be a man of God.  We know you to be these things.  We need you to be these things.

 

I’m repeating a few posts for my own good. Even though, in every case, families have grown and aged, I hope you enjoy this interview.

FF: Describe your family.

PW: My family is comprised of me, my wife Vicky, and my three sons: Chris (16), Joshua (7), and Caleb (5). We are a fun loving bunch. We laugh together, go to church together and enjoy each others company doing many things. Everyone has their own personality – Josh and I are the extroverts; Vicky, Chris and Caleb are the introverts. I think all of us are temperamental at times but we have learned to give each other space when needed and to live in each other’s space with understanding.

FF: How has fatherhood changed you?

PW: First of all it has made me respect and love my parents more. It has given me a new perspective on the impact that fathers have on their children and family. It has pushed me to live carefully and cautiously. For me, parenting challenges me to know me better. I think about why I say no and yes in many situations. Even if I don’t always tell my sons why I said yes or no, I, at least, think my responses through. There have been times when my responses were based on my upbringing and I had to reevaluate them. I have enjoyed the process.

FF: Have you made any mistakes as a dad? If you’re not a liar, name one and talk about what it meant to you.

PW: Yes. I was made in an household that believed you “do as I say and not as I do.” In my house my children respond better to what I do rather than what I say. So I don’t ask them to do something that I am not willing to do. I used to just tell them to do stuff around the house but now I do it and tell them to model what I do.

FF: What’s the most helpful advice you heard when you were becoming a father or as you’ve been a father?

PW: What you do in moderation your children will do in excess. Be careful what you do; your children are watching and listening even when you think they are not. Oh how true this is!

FF: How do you attend to your relationship with your children’s mother? It’s changed over time. How so?

PW: I believe my sons take their cues in how to treat their Mother from me. I am careful to demonstrate how I want them to treat their mother. Even when we are angry with one another, I am careful with my words and careful not to argue in front of them. Our relationship has improved. I think how we handle our frustration has changed and we have some understood rules of engagement, now. Our children must see that Mom and Dad are okay. They must see that we love, respect and cherish one another so we are careful to demonstrate t in front of them.

FF: How do you pay attention to the differences, the unique characteristics, between your sons? Do you have a spreadsheet?

PW: LOL…No I do not have a spreadsheet but I am very observant. I know each of their strengths, personalities and temperaments. I listen to each one’s questions and conversations no matter how silly I may think they are. Their questions and conversations are the inroads to their possible passions. The movies, books, music, toys, etc. that they show interest in give me some clues as to how I should feed their passions. Chris loves technology, CSI and music. Josh loves math, hero cartoons, performance and movies. Caleb loves cars and singing. All of them have their likes and interests that are unique and fascinating to me. So I observe carefully.

FF: What surprises are there along the way for parents? What do you wish you were told to expect?

PW: I wished someone would have said to prepare my heart. Parenting is joyous, painful, sometimes confusing, frustrating, happy, thought-provoking and challenging. If your heart is not in the right posture you may respond erroneously. A parent’s heart is that of a servant. If you do it right, you do grow and develop a good relationship with them. Over time the relationship changes and may have to be modified to fit their station in life. There are sometimes when I look at my 16 yr old like he is still 6 and have to understand that he is becoming a man. Eventually I will have to let him go or at least change how I respond to his needs because his needs will change and what he needs from me will be different. The shifting in our relationships carries with it a host of emotions.

FF: What is one recent memory you made with your children?

PW: I took the oldest boy and his friends paint balling for his 16th birthday. I took the 7 year old and his friends along with his 5 yr old brother to Lego Land. We have gone camping, to football games, baseball games, basketball games, field trips, boating, etc. We are always trying to find something to do together.

There are times when I remember all the things my 16 yr old and I did when he was younger and how I was involved, present and engaged in his world. Now, since he is becoming a man I must shift. It hurts because I have grown to love him and enjoy his company but he is growing up like we expected he would. Now I am careful to be just as present in my younger sons’ lives. The thought of doing it all over again with them is exhausting. But they need the same amount of time that I gave my oldest.

I was teacher, pastor, coach, mentor, principal and many times playmate. In the time of their lives I find myself trying to be the father that I felt my father should have been. Don’t get me wrong my father was a great provider, fun loving, outgoing, and present. But he was not a good listener, watcher and observer. I have always believed that he should have been more involved than what he was in my life. Now I understand that he was more involved than his father was in his life. His job and the demands of life – i.e.providing for a family, dictated how involved and present he could be. My career choice creates opportunities and possibilities of being actively present and involved in my sons’ lives. That is a blessing!

I recently told my son that I know he is growing up and the boundaries that we have in our house are becoming more noticeable to him. I told him we have these boundaries because as Christian men it’s good to have boundaries and accountability. I shared with him that the time is coming where he will have to set his own boundaries, I will try hard not to tell him what to do and that how I function as a father will change from life overseer to life coach. But it’s not now but soon. I would not have been able to make that statement if I had not done some soul searching to see how best to serve his ever changing needs.

Fatherhood is ironic because while I am fathering my children and helping and directing them in development and and healthy growth; the interaction is developing and growing me. I appreciate the lessons my sons give me everyday.

I’m repeating a few posts for my own good. Even though, in every case, families have grown and aged, I hope you enjoy this interview.

To follow is my interview with Mark Washington.  Mark is my brother, and though he isn’t the first father I knew (our dad is), I thought it’d be fun to have him be my first interviewee on the blog.  He’s a man of few words.  Just like our father.  My sense is that Mark’s interview will be the most succinct.  Mark’s two daugthers, Laila and London, two out of three of my nieces, are pictured to the left.

FF: Describe your family.

MW: My family are comedians, they always keep me laughing.

FF:  How has fatherhood changed you?

MW: Fatherhood has changed me where I’m more giving then I was.  It has also taught me that it’s not all about me anymore.  My children come first before my needs and wants.

FF:  Have you made any mistakes as a dad?  If you’re not a liar, name one and talk about what it meant to you.

MW: One of the biggest mistakes that I have made was to start taking Laila to the beauty shop at the age of four.  Now she expects it every two weeks.  LOL.  No, but really sometimes I don’t choose my words carefully and, sooner or later, I hear them echoed around the house.

FF:  What’s the most helpful advice you heard when you were becoming a father or as you’ve been a father?

MW: The best advice I’ve heard is to enjoy the younger years with them because when they become teenagers, I will start to feel the gap.

FF:  How do you attend to your relationship with your children’s mother?  It’s changed over time.  How so?

MW: Well, we hear each other out, and then we discuss what logic will work.  With any relationship it’s all about communication.

FF:  What surprises are there along the way for parents?  What do you wish you were told to expect?

MW: I can’t really think of one, but my children never cease to amaze me.  I mean just when you thought you heard or seen it all, here’s another surprise.  And part two of that question is, how expensive they can be.  I mean I’ve been told that, but no one ever stressed it!  LOL.

FF:  What is one recent memory you made with your child?

MW: Last night I was playing shouting music off You Tube and the little one (London) came and got Laila and I.  She said “I’m about to shout,” and we all started shouting while holding hands.  It was too funny!

I appreciate Mark for his answers.  Since this is the beginning of a series–we’ll have a couple interviews per month on the blog–I invite you to participate.  If you are a father and would like to be interviewed, or if you know one who would, leave a comment with your email address.

I’m repeating a few posts for my own good. Even though, in every case, families have grown and aged, I hope you enjoy this interview.

FF: Describe your family.

DS: I am Maggie’s husband of twelve years and Eliot’s dad for the past two years.  I’m Kevin and Linda’s son, Anne Marie’s brother and brother-in-law to her husband, Tony.  I’m privileged to have known well all four of my grandparents.  When we adopted Eliot in 2009 our family grew to include members of his birth family.  We’re an imperfect but decent group of folks.

FF: How has fatherhood changed you?

DS: I’ll need a few more years before I can answer this with any certainty.  Honestly, like marriage, I think fatherhood is simply revealing more of who I already was–both good and bad.

FF: Have you made any mistakes as a dad? If you’re not a liar, name one and talk about what it meant to you.

DS: I make mistakes daily.  My flexible schedule allows me to be with Eliot while Maggie works.  Because much of my work is done from home I often feel the tug to respond to work-related tasks when my attention should be given entirely to my son.  Put another way, I struggle to be fully present to Eliot.  Like my previous answer, I’m pretty sure this struggle has little to do with my delightful son and everything to do with my own distracted self.

FF: What’s the most helpful advice you heard when you were becoming a father or as you’ve been a father?

DS: In the days before Eliot came to live with us a friend and parent of three sensed my growing anxiety about being a good parent.  Her counsel was simple and significant: “Parenting is all about grace.”  This truth has alleviated some of my tendencies to strive to get it right. I desire my son to come up in a family atmosphere where grace is the air he breathes.

FF: How do you attend to your relationship with Maggie?  How has it changed since you’ve become parents?

DS: My first answer will sound silly, but it’s true.  Getting Eliot on a sleep schedule as soon as was reasonably possible may be our best parenting decision as of now.  By the time he was four months he was sleeping through the night.  Reclaiming our evenings together, not to mention our rest, was great for that new stage of married life.  I realize not all children will take to sleep this well, but it’s worth trying!

Another thing we’ve done is to go on a date twice a month.  We’ve been able to secure some great babysitters who spend time with Eliot while we take a few hours together.  I should say that Maggie initiated both of these things.

Our relationship continues to evolve now that Eliot is part of our family.  Sleep training and date nights are proof of the added intentionality we’ve found to be necessary to nurture our marriage.  But much of this evolution is completely haphazard.  Predicting how your spouse will respond to parenthood is tricky business; it’s been good to watch each other react to this little person who we care so deeply for.

FF:  Does your job as a pastor bring any particular blessings and challenges to you when it comes being a dad?

DS: I’ve mentioned the flexible schedule being a gift to our family.  There are plenty of dads who rarely see their children throughout the week and I’m grateful this isn’t my situation.  On the flip side, much of my time is given to the church and this includes times –weekends and some evenings – when many families are together.  I’m also keenly aware of the pressures many pastors’ children have felt and I hope to actively oppose those sorts of expectations.  Again, it’s all about grace!

FF:  You adopted your son.  What did you learn about yourself in that process?

DS: I learned that waiting is hard!  While it’s not unique to adoption, the process does require vast amounts of patience and making peace with ambiguity and an unknown future.  This was tough for someone who desires to be in control, especially of these types of really important events.

FF: What surprises are there along the way for parents? What do you wish you were told to expect?

DS: Hold loosely to your plans.  Make plans, wise plans.  But don’t be too nervous when the plans change.  Make a new one and go with it until a new shift is required.

FF: What is one recent memory you made with your child?

DS: Maggie’s work schedule requires three weeks of full-time work, so this week I’m spending a lot of time with Eliot.  Our mothers are graciously traveling to be with us for the next two weeks.  Yesterday we ran errands.  Today involved a walk to a neighborhood splash park.  Given his passionate interest, I’m sure a ride on a train will be required tomorrow.  All of these moments are excuses to watch him interact with his circumstances.  I love the delight I’ve gained as he invites me into his ever-expanding world.