Category / Quotes

This category keeps the quotes of much smarter others, and the sayings are usually about parenting.

by Michael

Guest Post: Is Church Stopping You From Finding Mr. Right

I asked a friend who needs to be anonymous to respond to the article I mentioned, and here’s what she wrote:

The interesting thing about being, Black, single, Christian…and a woman is that there are too many of us. I know far too many single sisters–women who’d like to be married, start a family–live as an “us,”–perfectly good, respectable women. This article seems to put the blame on the Black church. I, however, believe that a myriad of factors have negatively impacted the Black women’s ability to find a mate. And yes, their role in the church can be a small part of that.

I’ve found that we tend to stay in church from sun up to sun down–volunteering, hanging out with the Singles’ Ministry, attending all of the church outings and functions–never getting out and about and certainly too ashamed to tell our church-going friends and family we’d like to be “fixed-up” with a good fella (to do so might mean we have no faith that God will send us a mate).  

All things considered, we must not forget the disproportionate number of African American men in prison–or the number of African American men who are not committed to settling down and starting a family. There is, in the Black community, a greater number of women with HIV and AIDS. These women may be ashamed to tell a mate or potential spouse about their status, and therefore, never marry. Let’s not forget about the disproportionate number of Black women who are already moms–and have a hard time finding a mate who might choose to accept that responsibility or the number of sisters who don’t want a brother who has been married before or already has children.

The point is, when it comes to the reasons why we aren’t married, the reasons why can vary considerably.   I do think African American women need to be mindful of the necessity to have a life outside of church–not abandoning one’s faith, just..living (independent of the people with whom one worships).   It’s easy to blame the preacher or the church for the plight of single Black women. It is, however, much more challenging to take all of the evidence to court and acknowledge that perhaps most Black Christian women are unmarried because we have not given men outside of our race an opportunity, haven’t let go of certain “fairy tales” about the “knight in shining armor”, or haven’t settled into singleness well enough to know that a man is not savior..he is, instead, a friend, a partner–a companion.

Or, perhaps we haven’t acknowledged the beauty, value and worth of a “regular guy.” We sometimes have a list of things a man has to be, and never acknowledge the good and Godly characteristics he already possesses.   The other day a sister and friend who happens to be White sent me a text message that read, “I’ve decided to stop looking for a  knight in shining armor. I’ve decided that maybe a regular guy in tin foil might be okay.” Black, White, Latina (no matter what race she may be)–a woman who thinks a “regular guy” is okay just may be on to something.

by Michael

Discussing Work in Progress

When you seek publication, one of the first steps to finding a publisher is convincing an agent to represent you.  In order to do that, you have to pitch your work to the agents.  They choose you from your pitch which comes in a one-page letter called a query or from your sample pages which usually includes a synopsis and up to 50 pages of the completed manuscript.  Jessica Faust has a great dictionary of publishing terms, if you’re interested, by the way.

Whether we’re talking about a query or a full proposal with pages, I pitch projects too soon.  I’m not the most patient person.  I blame it on the fact that I was born premature.  I blame it on whatever movie my mother was watching when I announced my early coming.

But I decided recently to restrict myself from submissions for a while.  It’s an exercise in building patience, in reading the work-in-progress better, in critiquing myself harder, and in gathering useful information to enhance my voice.  I’ve made some version of this decision several times since I started writing fiction a few years ago, making the early switch from nonfiction about all things spiritual.  But I tend to release the unrealistic goal of waiting, and I submit submit submit. 

I don’t have an agent currently.  I used to, when I was pitching a particular nonfiction manuscript that we “just couldn’t sell” at the time.  But right now, I’m agentless.  So, even though I don’t have an agent, I have a manuscript, well two of them.  But we’re talking about one of them.  One I was told to get professionally edited–by an agent who read the full (the abbreviated way of saying the full manuscript). 

Somewhere between ending one year with its records and papers and making room for the new tenant who pays no rent, I filed the rejection letter along with its advice.  I had already started working on another project when I got that feedback.  Since then, I’ve finished that historical–which I’m told I can’t expect to break into publishing with since it’s historical–and started work on something else.  Writing, for me, is non-linear as you can tell. 

I’m at the point now where I am decided to have the work edited.  It’s been read by a few members of my team.  I’ve read and revised it six times since the first draft.  I started by being in love with the story.  I’ve gone the route of hating it, cutting it, changing it, breaking it and returning to the love I once had.  And it’s time to send it off to some professional person who will give me feedback, who will check my plot, characterization, and execution, who will tell me that I am, in fact, out of my mind for thinking I could write good fiction for publication or that I am on the right path and how to strengthen the work.

I’m told that many published authors have editors review and critique their work.  Since I didn’t study writing in college, I’m looking forward to this level of feedback.  I’m choosing that editor carefully over the next weeks.

So, I wanted to share a few scattered ramblings about editing this WIP.  Things that have occurred to me as I prepare to send it to someone else.

1) Giving my work away hasn’t gotten easier.  I’ve had helpful readers give me great feedback.  Each time I’ve sent my file, it’s been difficult.  The patience I’ve exercised in the waiting period from “send” to “receive” has been nothing less than divine because it took God and all God’s angels to keep me from pestering my readers with daily reminders to read and email me.  Patience comes slowly when I’m waiting for a response.  But so does my ability to send something I’ve written.  It feels a bit like taking an unflattering picture of myself–and most of them from one angle or another are unflattering–and sending it to my the guy whose girl left him for me in second grade and asking for a compliment on the photo.  Second-graders don’t forgive. Continue reading →

by Michael

More on Marriage: Interview with Johnathan & Toni Alvarado, authors of Let’s Stay Together

In my last post, I reflected upon my role as pastor in relation to marriage and divorce.  In some ways, I’m continuing that reflection with what I offer you in this post.

I read Let’s Stay Together this year.  It’s by two of my mentors, Bishop Johnathan Alvarado and his wife and colleague, Dr. Toni Alvarado.  I asked them a few questions about their book, which I commend to you if you’re interested in marriage, interested in getting married, or serious about strengthening yourself in relation to a long-term committed relationship.  As I’ve told them, I am thankful for their willingness to teach others about marriage, to mentor me and my wife in our marriage, as well as their hard work in living what they say.  I’m realistic but I hold them to a high bar, which they, by grace, reach gracefully.

1)      What motivated you to write Let’s Stay Together?

We have been concerned with the rising divorce rate within the body of Christ.  We noticed that divorces were not remanded to the ranks of the laity exclusively but even amongst the clergy and leaders within the body of Christ divorce seems to be recurring and even acceptable.  Let’s Stay Together is an attempt to stop the hemorrhage and provide strategies and solutions for longevity and success in marriage. Further, we carry a burden to prepare singles who are desirous of marriage for healthy and productive relationships.

 2)      Your commitment to marriage shines in this book.  At the same time, you counsel couples and you see the hardships people face when trying to live out their marital vows in our society.  How do you maintain your conviction that “divorce was not an option” when that option is so accessible?

We maintain that conviction because we believe that the biblical mandate for marriage carries with it the ability to fulfill its requisites.  Second, we understand that strong marriages are the building blocks for a society.  Not only do we purport that it is a Christian mandate but also it is a necessary institution for the continuance of any civil society.  Finally, the divorced persons with whom we have spoken and/or counseled have consistently confirmed our suspicions that divorce is not all that it’s cracked up to be!  There are those who after having read our book have testified that if they had only known to apply some of the skills that we enumerate, they would have never divorced in the first place. 

 3)      In what ways can a couple mature their beliefs about the long-term covenant of marriage before getting married?

We are strong advocates for pre-marital counseling.  In our contemporary culture, people do more to get a “drivers license” than they do to get a “marriage license.”  In our premarital counseling, not only do couples learn skills that give them the opportunity to have a good marriage but they also get first hand exposure to what a healthy marriage could look like.  The combination of information and impartation gives premarital couples a foundation for marital success.

 4)      You are leaders.  Are their any specific ways leaders are vulnerable to marital failure?

Yes.  Public leaders are particularly vulnerable to marital failure precisely because of the public nature of the lives that they lead.  The pressure of genuinely trying to be a healthy example to others adds a dimension to the marital relationship that must be managed with skill and prudence.  Most couples do not divorce because of a lack of love, but rather they divorce because they lack the skills necessary to stay married, especially while living in the public eye.  We address this in the chapter of the book entitled: “Mega business, career, and ministry requires a mega-marriage.”

5)      One reason I wanted to interview you was to ask you this question.  How have divorces by significant leaders (e.g., Al and Tipper Gore) and celebrity figures in our country informed and challenged how readers hear your relationship strategies?  Does the ease with which many people approach marital dissolution, or not being married for that matter, change how you engage with couples who desire healthy marriages?

We live in an age where the media no longer reflects the common life of the people but rather it frames and crafts the lives that we live.  The media moguls are both predictive and determinative as to how we will live.  Because of this, public figures have more influence on public life than they realize.  When public figures and “leaders” within our society dismiss their marriages without so much as a tear it tacitly gives others the permission or even the encouragement to do the same.  It does change the way in which we have to counsel and instruct intended couples and married couples.  We have to teach them to be counter-cultural if they are going to be successful in their marriages.  

 6)      This is a book about marriage, but a lot of people aren’t married.  And might not get married.  Is there something in this book for them, and if so, what might they find?

While this book is specifically couched in the context of marriage, it is principally a book of relationship strategies.  In the book, we teach strategies that can be beneficial to any relationship.  In any relationship two people have to be able to communicate effectively so we teach principles of good communication.  In every relationship some conflict will arise therefore we teach principles of negotiation for positive resolution.  We believe that this book has something for everyone, not just married couples.  As a matter of fact, our singles are purchasing and enjoying reading the book at least as much as our married and intended couples!

 7)      What are one or two things you want readers to takeaway from Let’s Stay Together?

Here they are: 

  • We want our readers to take away the passion that we have for being married.  We endeavor, through our candid examples and transparent anecdotes to be as forthcoming and genuine as possible while simultaneously painting a realistic picture of the work involved in having a good marriage.  We believe that marriage is viable, beneficial, and worth the effort it takes to enjoy life together. 

 

  • For our readers who may be unmarried, we desire to inspire, encourage, and to demonstrate to them that in spite of all of the negativity that is so aggrandized, marriage still works.  The skills that we teach will enhance their lives and every relationship that they may have. 

 

  • Finally, we want every reader to take away the knowledge and tools to build a strong, vibrant, and successful marriage.  It is our hope that everyone who reads this work will discover the blessings of life together, just as we have. 

8)     How can readers of this blog learn about your book and the other dozen things you do?

The book can be purcashed on our website.  Of course they can find us on our blog and at the following links:
www.totalgrace.org
www.mskfoundation.org
www.beulah.org

by Michael

Guest Post: History Remains His-Story in Texas

Marcus Campbell works as an administrator at Evanston Township High School and also pastors a church in Chicago.  I asked him to weigh in on the same issues Sonia Wang did the other day.  Me and Marcus “go way back”.  We used to sing together in the Soul Children of Chicago when we were small, and I know he’d enjoy any reactions and questions which come up for you from this post. 

History, Remains His-Story in Texas

The purpose of curriculum is to highlight the goals and assessments that provide a roadmap for instruction. Curriculum is a critical piece in schools in that it is the primary element of what gets delivered in the classroom. Curriculum prepares students for the world in which schools have trained them to be equipped. Curriculum is also what shapes the scope of a school’s values, culture and goals. Providing an analysis of curriculum also reveals what knowledge-base a learning community embraces and it also has the potential to reflect the passion of its creators. Curriculum does not consist of multiple lists of inanimate objectives, goals, plans, lessons and assessments, but it is rather a living document that comes alive each day of the school year in every classroom across the country. When curricula are planned and implemented well, the learning outcomes for both students and teachers are tremendous.

The ideal or model framework for curriculum is that it should be structured by skill with content-reinforcing skills. The content should be framed with the following in mind: district or school demographics, valued cultural knowledge and other items that can frame multiple disciplinary content areas that will prepare students for working in a particular field or profession. Most importantly, curriculum should be framed with the student in mind. Student-focused curriculum is built firmly with stages of adolescent development in mind, student interest and the need to know content to function in a democratic society. Far too many times, curriculum is out of date, referred to as the textbook or the state standards posted in the teachers classroom. These provide the necessary components for what includes curriculum, but these are a far cry from what curriculum actually is. It is up to district and school leaders to make sure that there is a common understanding of curriculum among the various constituencies in the district, but every teacher must also be clear and able to articulate what curriculum is and demonstrate it in action in the classroom.

With that being said, as a Senior Pastor, Director of Academic Programs for a school district and a doctoral student in Education, I believe that the recent curriculum approved by the Texas State Board of Education will in large part serve as a disadvantage to the students in the Texas education system. The changes subtract from the rich pluralist history that belongs to our nation and it devalues the varying of opinions that make this nation as great as it is. Valuing and analyzing multiple perspectives across all content areas are important for developing a critical consciousness as young men and women seek to find themselves and understand the world around them.  Affirming a conservative curriculum will only lengthen the divide between the two political factions at work, when the goal of education is the act of preparing students to live in a world of difference. Continue reading →

by Michael

Guest Post: Public Education?

I asked Sonia Wang to respond to a few questions about decisions the state board of Texas made regarding curriculum there.  Ms. Wang just completed her fourth year teaching at an elementary school in the Englewood neighborhood of Chicago.  She’s a part of my church, has a large heart, and is skilled at sarcastic jabs right when they’re most entertaining.  Post a comment if you have specific questions or reactions to her post…

Public Education?

The decisions that are made in education always leave me with a brief moment of wonder. When you think about this whole situation, it comes down to this: college educated men and women who interact with adults for the most part making decisions about what information should be shared to children who come from all backgrounds—race, ethnicity, culture, socioeconomic, etc. You can’t help but identify a slight feeling of disfigurement in this scene.

Putting that aside, however, I approach the situation in Texas with a broader, and what I believe, as an educator, to be the more important question: 

What is the purpose of education?  What is the end goal for our children as they receive a public education?

From my experience as an Asian-American woman growing up in public education and now teaching African-American students in public education, I firmly believe education has a crucial role in students’ lives. Education is a means to pack as much knowledge into our students and provide them with skills to then make informed decisions.

In the New York Times article, Texas Conservatives Win Curriculum Change, Dr. McLeroy, the leader of the conservative faction on the board, states that the state is “adding balance …history has already been skewed. Academia is skewed too far to the left.” I find this mindset problematic. Decisions made by the government should not be contingent on some motive to make right something that was off. History should not be skewed in either direction. The role of education is to provide knowledge to students. Thus students should be receiving the facts of events and situations. Within those historical contexts, they might be informed about biases and opposing sides. However to mandate a textbook that has a certain bias explicitly woven into the curriculum is then to tolerate learning that is untrue and ignorant of another perspective.

Rather than pushing to legitimize one’s agenda, a state board would do history justice by promoting a policy that develops a child’s complete understanding of history and the social issues surrounding it. What do you say to a child whose ancestors were captives from the African soil and stripped to be deemed less than nothing when their textbook, or even their teacher, paints the picture that their ancestors were stupid, dirty barbarians? At the same time, what do you say to a child whose ancestors were forced to take foreigners into their homes and beat them into submission because of a society when their textbook, or even their teacher, paints the picture that they were ruthless and heartless slave masters? You can not teach slavery with a drop of justice by painting broad pictures. Further, what are we telling our children by painting only one picture?  Honestly, teaching history is a difficult task as a teacher because of this dilemma: What do we teach?!

Continue reading →

by Michael

Storytelling

I read this article and every since I’ve been considering the ways connection, social networking, and isolation impinge upon the writer’s life.  And the theologian’s.  How do these things enable us to communicate?  How do they restrict us from doing so?

Latonya Mason Summers, author of Good to Me, told me a few years ago when I was struggling with my first manuscript, to focus on the story.  I told her that I couldn’t finish my novel.  She said, “Don’t write a novel.  Tell a story.  Focus on telling the story.”  Those words have changed my approach to writing.  In many ways Latonya’s advice has shaped my work in ministry as well since I’m telling a story when I preach or teach.

What does this have to do with mystery?

Mystery is something that is not discernible by human power alone.  It is what must be revealed, illuminated, shown.  Mystery must be given as a gift.  It must be revealed or given by someone else, in this case, by God.  We see it once the covers have been pulled and hear it once a story has been told.

Mystery comes from some place else, not from within.  It is the story we were first told which lodged down deep and far inside us, the story that connected with us, that made sense to us in the heart.  Writers write about those stories, and communicators tell them too. 

We don’t know how those stories will look from start to finish, which is why telling the story is important.  Not writing an article or penning a book or finishing a novel.  Telling a story.  So, I’m working to lose my fixation with novel writing.  William Zinsser said that it’s a fixation that “causes writers a lot of trouble, deflecting them from all the earlier decisions that have to be made to determine its shape and voice and content.”  When we connect with people, we have the chance to add a line or a paragraph or another sentence to the plot developing in them.  Aside from the end result, we have the chance to say something that pushes them or confronts them.  We get to use words which arrest or free, confine or liberate. 

How you ever been told a story–one of faith, a funny tale, a dark tragedy–that showed you something you had never seen?

by Michael

Little Black Pearl

Little Black Pearl Art & Design Center

I walk here on Mondays, sometimes on Wednesday mornings or Friday afternoons.  I’m greeted by a staff of folks whose names I know.  If it’s been a while since I’ve been here, I look around the room and take in the new art.

Exposed brick lines one wall of the gallery and I sit next to a long series of floor-to-ceiling windows.  I’m here to write or to work on a sermon.  I’m here to imagine.  I’m here to drink a soy chai latte or a pot of mint or green tea.

In the afternoons, the children from the neighborhood schools come to the LBP after-school program.  They come, not to write and work on sermons, but to create, to paint, to hear about business creation, and learn what it takes to be an entrepreneur. 

The staff interacts with them respectfully.  The students get checked if they come close to disrespecting someone.  They always nod and say hello.  A few of them call me sir.  I call them sister and brother.

One of my favorite people, Eugene Peterson, wrote that “The arts reflect where we live.  We live in a narrative, we live in story.”

I’m glad to live near and with and close to Little Black Pearl.  These good people are major characters in my story, if you will.  I’m glad they do the work they do, host the space they host, and teach the children in this neighborhood.  I’m glad it feels like a small family in the place.  I’m glad they remind me, on so many levels, how to look for little black pearls.  When I go home after stopping by, I remember the feeling, the holy reminder, that the children whose faces are baked like mine are, in fact, small black gems.  They are priceless and valuable and great.

by Michael

Come Apart Before You Come Apart

When I grew up, I had a scary picture of mental illness.  It included images from movies like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and sightings of the lady living at the corner in the white house with red trim who none of us ever heard speak and whose face was a permanent grimace.  But I’ve changed how I come to illness and health, especially mental health.

Over the years, I’ve maintained an interest in the mind, and my understanding mental illness has developed since I lived down the street from the woman I never really knew but feared as a boy.  These days I think about mental health in connection to emotional health.  While I don’t keep a hard and strict definition of mental health, I definitely tend to think in terms of wholeness. 

I imagine health as an integration of a person’s head, hands, and heart.  I think health has to do with intellectual and emotional fulfillment in the context of quality, challenging relationships that push a person to do and be great.

Greatness is active.  It takes effort and work to be good.  It takes more to be great.  And being great carries with it a temptation to keep acting, to continue putting forth effort, and to hardly pull away. 

Stopping and being great are like lovers who’ve departed on unfriendly terms.  They remember the important connection between them, while, at the same time, they want little if anything to do with the other.  They’d prefer not to see the former friend, or if they must meet publicly, they are cool toward the other at best.

We don’t learn much about the balance between being great and taking breaks.  We equate greatness with tirelessness.  We mark the person who works to death as a person who’s honorable.  On the other hand, the person who rests is, well, missing just a little something inside.

I think breaking away, observing cycles of rest, equips us to see beauty and glory in the Creator which we cannot see in the midst of continuous work.  Stopping opens us to depth.  Resting cracks our hearts in the presence of Divinity that waits for enough silence to speak greatness into us.

One of my mentors used to say often, “Come apart before you come apart.”  It was his introduction to something about self-care, about retreating from the world, and about reviving oneself.  It was his way of turning people to the importance of maintaining one’s emotional health. 

To me it is an invitation to caring for oneself in the presence of the One who is best able to care.  To stop is ironically to engage in a dance–a spiritual, emotional, and mental dance–that ends with nothing but wholeness.

How do you step away and replenish yourself?  How do you make sure to take care of you?

by Michael

Margaret Atwood & Stories

“It is morning, and time to get up; and today I must go on with the story.  Or the story must go on with me, carrying me inside it along the track I must travel, straight to the end, weeping like a train and deaf and single-eyed and locked tight shut; although I hurl myself against the walls of it and scream and cry, and beg to God himself to let me out.

When you are in the middle of a story it isn’t a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood; like a house in a whirlwind, or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the rapids and all aboard powerless to stop it.  It’s only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all.  When you are telling it, to yourself or to someone else.”

From Margaret Atwood’s Alias Grace, 298.

by Michael

After Failure pt. 2

One of my favorite people is Howard Thurman.  Howard Thurman is dead now.  In fact, I’ve never met him.  He’s a friend through the text.  I encountered him for the first time in a class where we read about half of his published writings.  He wrote something about failure in The Inward Journey.  “No man likes to fail.  But it is important to remember that under certain circumstances, failure is its own success” (p. 64).

Think about success coming from failure.

It doesn’t make much sense at first. 

Then it takes more sense onto itself as you think about the actual failures in your life.  No one likes to think about failure.  It makes us see ourselves soberly, doesn’t it?  The fact that we can and do fail stings, even bites. 

I’m writing this post and one of the most recent failures I experienced was in snapping at someone who, well, deserved it.  But that’s a failure for me–I almost wrote a small failure for me–but it’s a nice-sized failure because I am trying desperately to live into a growing faith in a man who ate his words for the people who deserved worse.  So, when I released my opinions of this young man, no matter how careful I tried to be, I failed. 

I didn’t fail at communicating.  I didn’t fail in relieving myself of irritating feelings.  I failed at something like being a different me. 

Now, had I wrote this post two days ago, or five days later, perhaps I would write something different.  Indeed I can still edit this post.  Perhaps I would write that the young man failed.  Yes, that he failed me because of what he did or didn’t do.  Perhaps it’s worth me justifying my statements some so that you don’t think bad of me.  But today the failure is mine.  And that’s just a recent one. 

If you spent five minutes thinking about your last failure or set of failures, I’m sure you’d find something.  But let’s not spend too much time considering those things.  Let’s go back to Thurman.  What’s possible because of failure?  What’s ahead if failure or missteps or mistakes are behind us?  Can you think of any good that came from a failure in your life?  A moment of grace perhaps or a space where you felt like a better version of yourself?  No need to be more specific than you’re comfortable.  Were there any successes which followed from your failure?