I work with a guy who I trust and respect and think highly of. He’s fun. He’s a Korean American pastor, and he’s a great communicator of truth. However.
He said something the other day that I’m disagreeing with more and more. Since he doesn’t blog, I’m going to put his comment on blast. At least on my small blog blast, which has yet to be a blast in the truest sense, but you follow my point.
We were talking about a good friend of mine and he eventually asked me something like, “Do you guys argue?” I was stunned for a second, looked at him like it was a crazy question, and said, “No.” I shrugged, not just my shoulders but my eyebrows the way I do when people say things I haven’t thought about and probably won’t think much more about.
He then said something like, “Well, maybe you two aren’t as close as you think.”
He’s good for these clear, bold pronouncements which you can hear here. He said disagreements, conflict, and arguments prove the character of a frienship, the strength of it. Then, we started arguing. Well, not really.
But I explained to him that I’ve not aruged with that particular person and that I, in fact, didn’t recall arguments with any of my real friends. Of course, he bucked his eyes a bit. And he probably muttered under his breath something about how I didn’t really have friends.
I smiled and told him that I have my wife for arguments. My friends see things like I do, or they recognize their deficiency in not seeing things the way I do and quietly accept my great revelations as additions to their lives. I said that I have opinions and have no problem verbalizing them to friends. I invited him to ask them how I work.
It’s simple. I tell them what I think. And I leave the room. I hang up the phone. I stop reading emails. I avoid them for a day. There’s no room for an argument. They need to hear what I have to say. But where’s the room for disagreement?
Okay, I’m embellishing. But not much.
Questions for you: are fighting words necessary for a friendship? Is conflict present in every healthy relationship?
Michael Washington 
Wow, this is good. While I cannot answer about every relationship because I am not in “every” relationship, I can’t imagine that you and your friends would agree about everything. Perhaps the shallow things that cause people to gravitate towards eachother, like sports, music, or other common interests, but not the deep “soul” stuff. I think that when you dig deeper, perhaps dissagree, then discuss, learn and grow as people then you get to a true level of friendship that can only happen when you “argue.” That could be why you tend to do this with your wife and not others. Well, and Peter too, I guess! Lol.
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I would have to agree with the guy you work with; if you don’t argue with your close friends every now and thing then someone in the relationship is not as authentic…………
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Hmm.. well i know one friendship/relationship I was in was pretty stagnent due to the fact we never argued. We never were able to really see how we dealt with conflict, how to work through it, and how we could grow from it. I think that is important in a relationship at least. On the other hand.. i have close friendships where we’ve never argued. So i would say that arguments can be good and healthy in a friendship/relationship but at the same time not necessary!
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this made me laugh! (i don’t think that was your main objective.) i totally agree that spouses are the best for arguing with, even lawyer-ones. but as for friends, if you are as nice as you and i are, then no, we don’t argue. but if you are someone else we know, yes, you do. 😉 seriously though, i think it depends on the people in the friendship and their respective personalities. it does say something if there is room for conflict in them (in a good way) although i don’t think it necessarily says something’s wrong if there’s not.
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I have a hard time imagining being friends with someone I agree with so whole-heartedly that we have no differences of opinion. My wife, my closest friends all disagree with me in some regard, sometimes major, often minor.
Can you be friends with someone without arguing with them? Absolutely.
Can you be CLOSE friends with someone without arguing with them? I don’t quite think so. It is only when we are open, honest, and vulnerable enough with each other that we are welcome to share opinions that are not known as the consensus view. It is only in working through conflict that we are able to recognize that the strength of the relationship (that always existed, perhaps invisible beneath the surface).
I am reminded of group dynamic theory that says that a group of people first have a shallow happiness, followed by conflict and disagreement, followed by a rapprochement of beliefs and emotions, followed by true group cohesion. It is commonly held that if a group never reaches the conflict stage, they will never come together as a cohesive unit. (To ill effect, some managers/leaders use this as a reason to inflict trauma upon their teams in hopes of bringing them together under adversity. Ugh!)
You hint at something else, though, that might indicate you take a different tactic in your relationships. You said you express your opinion, then you say your part, then “leave the room. I hang up the phone. I stop reading emails. I avoid them for a day.” You have never struck me as the type of person that feels the need to be correct at the expense of dialog, but rather the type of person who carefully considers what you say and what another needs to hear. Not for the sake of avoiding argument, but for the sake of civility and politeness.
So I wonder, do you have people with whom you are “frank and blunt” (aside from your wife)? It may not mean you get into yelling-matches with them, but that you say your thoughts before filtering them for effect. If you can say ‘yes’ to that, then IMO those people are your true friends.
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Is there a difference between arguing with someone and disagreeing? Conflict assumes not just difference, which to your points, is an indicator of a healthy relationship, but it assumes an argument. What’s essential about an argument versus a difference in viewpoint? Just because you’re real and may disagree doesn’t mean you have to fight. No?
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Well…if anyone knows me, they know that I can be difficult, stubborn, opinionated at times but always truthful and compassionate at the same time…lol. But I warn most people I get into a friendship/relationship with, we will have an argument/disagreement and sometimes it will get ugly. I tend to agree with Peter here, simply because I know that if you can take me during the ugly times, you can be with me through the great times. With all that said I do have a (meaning one) that I havent had any type of fight with and she is one of my closest confidants…I think this is because we both look to one another to be a board of reasoning when we are going crazy from the ugly in our lives…
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This is great stuff. I think friendships are light, and fun–and affectionate. I think deep and intimate love and respect (the kind we reserve for our spouses) is oftentimes subjected to these disagreements you speak about above. I, too, am always right. So, what is there to disagree about!?! I don’t know either. SIGH.
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I believe that real intimacy requires not only fighting sometimes, but know how to fight successfully. This applies to a marriage, a close friendship, and a church community.
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